bloody kisses

June 15, 2010

i cant believe what has happened. my life as ive known it has gone away forever, and will never, ever return. i know its been a really long time since ive posted. their are reasons for that, many and varied reasons. however, i feel a strong compulsion to share the most recent events of my life with you all like i have never felt before. this time shit is serious. this time i fucked up too bad.

how could anyone ever take a life? you see people in movies killing each other all the time. you hear about war and homicide on the news everyday. but  it’s not an issue you ever have to deal with personally.  hopefully. i dont care who you are, rambo, tony soprano, or george bush…no one wants blood on their hands. NO ONE. trust me, you have never felt guilt until you feel the god awfull guilt that comes with that blood. man is it ugly.

my conscience is sticky black with dried blood.

it started as a joke. that to me is the part that makes me feel the sickest. she was just a joke to me. a stupid game. i didnt know much about this girl and i still don’t for that matter. im not giving you her name or any other personal details. please just bare with me , i know this whole thing seems too crazy to be true. but i assure you that everything happened exactly the way im about to explain.

this girl was really into vampires. haha right. twilight, anne rice, lost boys, near dark, true blood, underworld…all that shit.  a friend of mine is having this party, theirs a lot of crust punks and street kids their, and thrown in the mix is this random ass hot topic corsette wearing goth chick. she was amazingly beautiful. no lie. every guy their was itching to get a piece of her. throughout the night i keep noticing her, i wanna approach her but i don’t want to come off like every other asshole at the party. i hear it through the grapevine about her vampire fetish, and by the way shes dressed you can just tell shes exactly that type of weirdo goth that takes shit like vampires and witchcraft  just a little too seriously. so i make my move.

at some point in the evening i decided that i was going to pretend i was a vampire. i was way wasted at this point and was, like i said, just doing it as a joke. i thought she might laugh about it or at least appreciate my unique approach or something. maybe shed think i was cute? not for a second did i think she would buy it hook line and fucking sinker.

i get myself into a mood so i can play the part of what i think a vampire is like. i even change my voice. but  trust me any normal person could see what a crock of shit my vampiric facade was. it was laughable.

not to her though.

i appoach her from behind so she doesnt see me and i put my arm around her waste, and cover her eyes with my other hand. i breath hot air on her neck and tell her in a deep voice “ive been waiting for you.”

she freezes. she doesnt shrug me off or even turn around. so i stay put too, continuing to breath deep hot breaths of alchol soaked vapor on her neck. we stay like this for a while.  i know she feels my growing erection prodding firmly between her soft buttocks. but still she deosnt move. “ive been waiting for you too.” she says as she reaches her hand up backwards to caress my cheek.

im still in shock that my act is actually fucking working. and its working very well at that. i have her eating out of the palm of my hand, and the only thing i have to feed her is bullshit. i continue with the act and keep trying to be as mysterious as i can. i speak to her slowly and directly using as few words as possible. i lead her to the bathroom. i tell her to not turn around. she obeys.

don’t ask me why i blindfolded her. it was just some sick impulse i had. i got a sick sense of empowerment from controlling this delusional girl. i wont lie,  it was flat out fun for me at the time. i figured fuck it, might as well go all out as long as im playing the game. so i takes off my handkerchief from around my ankle and tie it tight around her head. she acquiesces. im drunk and being intentionally rough and “vampirically forceful” with her as well. she seems to be getting off on it too. she squirms and kind of melts at every touch of my hand and doesnt even raise a finger to me when i start getting really kinky. she lets me rub her asshole and before long i have two fingers forced inside. like i said, she was completely obedient. the next part is where the line got crossed from a joke gone to far to just flat out unforgivable shit.

i tell her to strip and start jerking myself off  whilst sitting on the toilet. she takes off her layers methodically, slowly. too slowly for me too allow with my vaprire logic. so i rip off her remaining garments animalistically and ferociously grab her towards me. i bite mouthfulls of her heaving tits while i press them hard against my feral face. she lets me chew, bite and suck roughly on her soft white body, i cover her mouth when she cries out in pain.

her  small black cotton panties are still on. i rip them off  violently with my teeth as she tilts her head back and quivers with excitement. she slowly snakes her hand down her  curvaceous body to caress her small mound of pubic hair. she reaches down further and pulls out a tampon. she dangles it in front of me then drops it to the floor. she puts her hand on my face again, drawing me into her warm blood wet pussy. and i lick the blood, hesitantly at first. it tastes awful. i put all rational thoughts out of my mind and delve in full force. i lap up her blood and juices like a thirsty dog.

with the lower part of my face covered in blood, i go up to kiss her for the first time.

and thats just the beginning. i’ll have to finish later, its hard for me to bring up all these details. i’ll tell you one thing though, shes dead now. suicide. and it’s all because of me.

LH

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pastel sky

May 16, 2010

got my computer ripped off at the flop house a few weeks ago. havnt been back there since. havnt been able to post.

in other news, my dad got in contact with me with the help of one of my old friends, jey. he found me begging downtown on thursday and offered me a free bite to eat. it had been a while since id seen any family so i went out to lunch with him. we ate hoagies at a little place called the sandwich garden. i didnt say much, and i guess neither did he for that matter. i told him that i had a new girlfriend and that i had a place to stay. i told him my computer got stolen and that i was working on getting it back. my dad didnt really respond verbally, he just nodded and made small talk noises while he drove us away from downtown. my smell was so pungent we had to ride with the windows down. its been ages since ive changed clothes or showered. basically my dad wasnt offering any kind of real help or anything, he was just kind of checking up on me from what i gathered. i didnt exactly communicate the complexities of my decisions to him, but im pretty sure he understood that im doing what im doing for a reason. afterall he had his own reckless past he had to go through to get to where he is now.
i told him that the last time i saw any family was when i stayed at the marvel room at uncle bobs. he kinda sneered/scoffed at this. uncle bob is from my moms side. i could tell he’d rather me be on the streets than stay with his tweeker ass. uncle bob was kind of a fuck up.
it was still early after we finished eating at the sandwich garden, so my dad offered to take me to a movie like we used to do years ago. their was a small quarrel at the box office and they even brought out the manager and tried to have me thrown out of the theatre cause of my appearance, but my dad wouldnt have it and he threatened them with legal action. so we were let in after a lot of ass kissing (my dads a well respected member of the community) and we even got free concessions. before the movie started i went to the bathroom and told my dad to go ahead and save me a seat.
once in the bathroom, i emptied out my large drink container of all the dr pepper and proceeded to fill it with my urine. before walking into my theatre i chucked the ice cold cup of piss in an auditorium playing how to train dragons. i take it that thats a kids movie? haha. i rejoined my dad at our movie, greenberg with ben stiller. my dad picked it. i waited for someone to come in looking for me the whole movie but no one ever did. greenberg was kinda blah. their was a really awkward pussy eating scene, which dont get me wrong, im all for awkward pussy eating and all, but it was kinda strange watching it with my dad i hafta admit. after the movie ended i suggested we take the back exit and we left the theater without any hassles.
later my dad dropped me back off downtown and gave me a thousand bucks so i can buy a new laptop. i gave him a hug and told him i loved him. he took off and didnt say anything back. i met up with jenny and rodney shortly after and we were off to get me a new computer. more hassles at the apple store of course. but i flashed my cash and that shut them the hell up. so i guess im back for now. me jenny and rodney are at the mini golf course once again (dont know why i left in the first place). we STILL have a shit ton of popcorn and a few hits of acid we can sell. im laying off the shard for the time being as jenny may be pregnant? things have calmed down a lot since we left the flophouse. were pretty much just taking it easy, trying to keep cool and stay out of the sun is our main priority. Rodney has us all listening to this old indie band the pastels right now. me and him have become good buds the last couple of weeks. were about to crack a bottle of ancient age and watch the sunset.

hope yall have a pleasant evening as well,

Luke Havergal

popcorn, its whats for dinner

April 29, 2010

welly welly welly well. apparently i was dosed with a pretty nasty dissociative chemical compound. i dont remember the exact name of it GX87, BT05, LMNOP123, some shit like that, fuck if i know what its called. all i know is that it took me on a slowmotion freight train ride right into the heart of hell. i stayed their for about a week. it was a living nightmare while it lasted, but now that it’s over i guess, like everything else, it had it’s moments. i still don’t feel 100% me, but hey, thats all part of the hallucinatory process. gotta trade off a little part of your self in exchange for that wacky ride. it’s worth it in the long run.
me and jennifer have been squatting at this flop house with a bunch of young psychonautic crust punk teenagers. we keep their heads full of acid and in exchange we get a cot, cable (suprisingly), and all the microwave popcorn we can eat. theirs probably over a thousand bags scattered around the place (one of the guys found an entire wholesale box full of act3 extra butter). only problem is that we dont have a microwave, so weve been coming up with creative ways to make em pop. but thats another story and another set of scars.
Anyway, Rodney, this real scrawny straight edge sharp is the one that filled me in on Dirty Dave’s little scheme. He dosed one of the jolly ranchers, one red cinnamon jolly rancher to be exact, with this extra crazy fucked up shit. i should of guessed something was up by how suspiciously that bright red rancher stood out in the bag of sour green apples. but like the cat, i got slaughtered by my own foolish curiosity. Rodney says that Dirty Dave has pulled this little number on more than a few of the guys. needless to say, retaliation is in the works.
either way though, and all else aside, no more lsd for me for a while. im sticking to a strictly no mind-fuck high from now on. plus theirs plenty of shard to go around here and i get a pretty decent exchange rate with my jolly ranchers.
we like it here so far. me and jenny get our privacy when need be. theirs plenty of interesting company around. we know our spot/cot is reserved. and i get to watch the discovery channel and cartoons all day with kids frying their brains out. it makes for very interesting conversations to say the least. most of these kids are alright. theyre crazy as hell and some of them mainline crank like its going out of style, but hey, weve all had our crazy days. and in an offbeat kinda way, i feel like they kind of look up to me, or at least they treat me with the respect i reckon all my pain and tribulations have earned me. i cant say that ive been treated with that sort of  deference from any one in a real long time. its nice.

don’t take the red one!

-Luke Havergal

jolly

April 21, 2010

i havnt slept in four days. i cant stop having nightmares. my waking reality is in shambles. the heat don’t help neither. its texas heat, and it’s hot as hell. being on the streets aint bad so long as the breeze is blowin, but when summertime comes around, that ol texas weather will get you right down to the fucking marrow. it makes everything harder. of course frying on a head full of acid doesnt really help things out, but theirs little else to do with my time and the way i see it, the heats coming no matter what. might as well fry.

visions piled upon visions layer in my sun zapped mind. they cause me as much glee as they do distress. it’s been four days without a hit, but before that it was four days on. four full days of non stop, godfucking, hard as hell tripping. my mind may never be the same. and it’s in that regard that i find my self inhibited from sleep. ive been nodding off here and there, either from the sweat soaked heat exhaustion or just out of regular old tiredness. i can’t seem to grasp a good rest though. soon as my mind’s projector fires up a dream it’s always the same side effected maniacally twisted images, all mad raving insanity full force like a bullet screaming straight through my heart. i jerk out every time. my eyes havnt shut for more than a minute in what seems like forever.

jenny is worried that i may have taken a bad hit. we’ve been selling the acid on green apple jolly ranchers. we sold about two dozen hits before having to reup with jenny’s ex lover dirty dave. jenny thinks dirty dave may have fucked with the new batch. either way my hallucinations havnt stopped, and the acids all worn out. visions continue to hit me like fast forward waves, repeatedly paralyzing me with new fear.

my world is now a shadow of it’s former self, it’s hot as hell and non stop fucked up.

-Luke Havergal

sordid

April 20, 2010

and through the gaze
of autumnal daze,
i seek a shelter,
thats not right here.
i see a mystery,
a fading history,
where everything worthless disappears.

oh intentions are the best,
when inhibitions get put to rest.
someone lonely finds a key,
and a life once locked
will cease to be.

oh this thing called love,
is a sad soaked mystery.

but when its time,
i’ll cease to find,
the treasures of a hollow hole.

the sun light blinds,
the sea reminds
of all the depth within ones soul.

this nights distress
won’t cease to rest.
i crave a shadow
in which to form.
my minds obscurity,
conformed impurity…

my life with you will die unborn.

SNAKES

April 16, 2010

the serpents crawl. dark black writhing layers hissing immutably stretch out far and wide before me, haunting my vision. their in my mind, writing away. their black skin on mine introduces a brand new coldness into my heart. i see the eyes of a thousand of them staring, focussed on only me.  i am why they are here.

they move towards me like a writhing madness. all slow and inevitable. my feet seem stuck. i look down. shit and bile stings my nostrils. the ground is composed of this. i throw up, spewing forth a blood red retch. my mind goes clear as if ive expelled the blood of fear within my veins. i gasp the putrid air as the serpents breathe in unison, pulsating along with my own breaths. i feel as if though i am a part of them, and though the unpleasantness of my surroundings is blindingly appparent. i am not afraid.

the serpents begin to speak, loud whispers, thousands at a time. i close my eyes and listen to the legion of tongues. they begin shifting shape. i watch their slow growing appendages struggle to find form. they are becoming human, though their eyes remain the same malevolent slits glinting green and black. still staring straight in to me.  they writhe naked on the floor. their arms  bent backwards, as they slither through the shit on the floor, moving closer and closer, enveloping me. and i am helpless, paralyzed by the seduction of their infernal gaze .

their legion surrounds me. they are demons disguised as men, slithering naked like serpents on the odorous floor, calling my name.

candy girl

April 9, 2010

ive been here at cool crest golf for a few days now. last time i wrote i had just arrived and was alone. things have changed since then, as they always seem to do. im now joined by a gorgeous 15 year old girl named jenny. Jenny ran away from home a few weeks back. i found her sleeping at the bus stop across from the mini golf course. she has dirty blonde hair, grey/green eyes, pouty pink lips, a pierced septum and eyebrow and she wears clothes that look 2 sizes too big for her.
i first saw her hanging around the bus stop the afternoon after i arrived at cool crest. she looked like a grunge chick or stoner girl, i didnt think she was homeless. not until night fell and she was still waiting at the bus stop did i put two and two together.
it wasnt easy to approach her. i swear this girl was like a frightened cat. her eyes even look like a cats… i jumped the fence to go talk to her. it was sometime around 2 in the morning and i mustve freaked her out cause she took off running. i jogged to catch up with her, but this didnt help things. she quickened her pace and was determined to flee from me. i called out to her but i didnt exactly know what to say, so i just kept yelling, “hey! wait up!” and “hold on!”
she keeps running, looking behind her shoulder every now and then. eventually my words get through. she sees that im not trying to harm her. she stops. i walk up slowly, out of breath. i keep my distance as i approach. she looks scared, but also like shes ready to attack. i hold up my hands to show her that i mean no harm. she reaches in to one of her baggy jean pockets and pulls out a small hunting knife. i continue my approach, my eyes focussed on hers. i try to talk as i struggle to regain my breath. havnt had to run in a while.
i explain to her that ive seen her on the street, but i didnt know she was homeless. i tell her that im living at the abandoned mini golf course across from where she was sleeping. she says nothing.
“My name is luke. whats yers?” i ask. “Jennifer.” she slowly whispers back. “Jennifer, do you want to come back with me? its a lot nicer in the mini golf course and i have some food and stuff your welcome to if you want.” i offer. she looks around hesitantly. “look im not going to hurt you, im on the streets too, i just want to help.” i finally say. she folds the knife up and puts it back inside her pocket. i can see her pink cotton panties peeking out from under her low hanging  jeans as i watch her return the knife. “cmon, i’ll buy you a drink.” i say. she smiles a crooked little smile and starts walking towards me, her head bowed to the ground.
She has very little trouble climbing the fence. i struggle my way over and hop/fall to meet her on the ground. not so graceful. she looks around quietly, i can tell shes pleased. she still seems kind of defensive though. i promise her that im not gunna try anything with her and tell her that she can relax. i just wanted to offer her a better place to stay, and theirs plenty of room for two in here. i can tell she must be starving, i offer her some jack in the box i had left over. she downs the eggrolls quickly and we split the jumbo jack between us.
the meal seemed to do her well. she lets her guard down some and i try to talk to her. she mostly answers my questions with one word answers. i try not to pry too much, seeing how coy she is. so i just ask her general stuff. how long you been out here? and where you from? mostly she just sits quietly, looking around the green garden that surrounds us.
she pulls her bag close to her and opens it up. inside  i see a multitude of colored candy as she peels back the zipper, gummy bears, air heads, sour patch, m&m’s, starburst…and pretty much every other kind of candy i can think of is seemingly contained within her bulky bag. she pulls out a few jolly ranchers and a big bag of skittles. “i took these from the corner store.” she said. “do you want some?” she extends an arm towards me with a handfull of skittles. i take them in my palm as i pull my bag close to me. i reach in and get out my bottle of old crow whiskey. half full. she eyes me as i take a swig and chase it with some skittles. she smiles and reaches her arm out, to grab the bottle from me. i hand it to her as i jokingly ask “how old are you?” she takes a big messy swig, then pops some skittles in her mouth. “15.” she says. i ponder this revelation for a while as i look the girl up and down. she looks over at me sheepishly as she hands me back the bottle. “gotta start sometime.”  i shrug my shoulders and take another swig.
we split the rest of the bottle and the skittles. not a bad mix actually. Jennifer starts opening up to me. she tells me that she ran away because her dad was abusing her. he was a pervert and had been touching her and her younger sister since she can remember. only recently did he start slapping her around though. so she split. she cried when she talked about her little sister she left behind. Meagan. she told me she was thinking about going back and killing her old man. the whole time i just sat there and listened to her as she opened up. i nodded my head and just let her get it all out.
she asks me about me. i tell her theirs not much to tell and just fill her in on the basics. i lost a lot recently, i dont want to go back to living the way i used to… im trying my hardest to survive and live my life the way i see fit… she changes the subject and asks me what ive been doing with this awesome place all to myself. i tell her that ive only been in here a day but that i used to come here as a kid. and except for walking around naked i pretty much have been doing the same thing were doing now. her eyes kind of light up . she looks around and gives me a big grin then struggles to her feet and starts to undress in the pale moon light.

.

like a million people died so deep in the night

April 4, 2010

its amazing the kinds of places you find waiting for you when your out very late at night, not another soul in sight. this time i think i may have hit the jackpot. theres this abandoned hawaiian themed miniature golf place on the west side of town i used to go to as a kid. its been ages since its been open, ivy plants climb the high rusted fences blocking the view inside. palm trees tower  over the sides, the only remnants of this put-put sanctums former glory. i remember it as a cool shady place , all green, drowsy hawaiian music would play out of small box speakers placed around the holes. it was really something. a secret garden of sorts, with mini golf.

i found myself on the outside of the  ivy walls some time around 4am last night. the place was covered heavily in shadows.  from the looks of it, it hadnt been entered in years. and it was just begging me to come inside. so i climbed the fence, which was at least 10 ft tall, and found my way into the dark overgrown garden that was now Cool Crest miniature golf.

i fell hard whilst traversing downwards from the fence, and unlike one readers assertion, who commented that i was like a cat, i fell not on my feet but flat on my back. knives of pain shot through me. my punk beaten body still not fully recovered, i let out a silent scream of pain. tears poured out  of my wide eyes. after the initial shock wore off, i assessed that nothing new had been broken, from what i could tell, and that other than some bruising i would be fine. i pulled myself off the ground and had my first clear glimpse of my new surroundings. it was a green paradise bathed in moonlight. almost exactly the way i remembered it being as a kid, except this time it had the wondrous depth of seclusion and the added beauty of a starry sky overhead.

not but 10 minutes later i was completely naked lying in the middle of this private paradise, just staring up at the deep blue sky. a bottle of cheap scotch and a pack of pall malls was all i had to keep me company. i couldn’t find any hawaiian music on uncle bobs laptop, which i had to borrow for the time being, but i did find an old classic i hadnt heard in years. “the Cat” by the essence (and no they are not the cure incognito). it made me think that  maybe that last reader who commented was right about me. i do seem to have a lucky side to me. a certain “cat like” quality or whatever. after all the bullshit and piss ive had to go through ive ended up alright and on my feet, for the most part.

nine lives is a good thing to have, especially if your the type that keeps on dying.

– Luke Havergal

despite all my rage

March 31, 2010

living back indoors is foreign to me now. not that i spent years out on the street or anything, but now that i know what it’s like i cant get used to being all pent-up like i am now. i hear the streets calling my name. “Luke Havergal, Luke Havergal.” they say over and over in a whisper that is the wind.
my mind won’t sit still. my thoughts are of running wild throughout the city and sleeping under the shade of the black night sky. life is about surviving. its not about accumulating stuff. its not about safety and protection. and that is not what im looking for anymore either. ive had my time to be tame. ive been locked in a cage both physically and mentally for my whole life.
now that ive felt the cool air of freedom i cant be complacent to sit inside an air conditioned box surrounded by useless purchased prizes.
ive been smoking ice with uncle bob the last couple of nights and this has only added to my restlessness.
i figure that as long as my legs still work im going to use them to run. no matter how bad the pain is, no matter what might happen to me. i dont care. the only thing that matters is living. and this just aint it. im gunna take a few more puffs off of the bulb before i head out the front door and back out into the world.
see you around.

-Luke Havergal, Luke Havergal

yellow liquid knives

March 25, 2010

im at my uncle bobs house. uncle bob collects marvel figurines. the room im in is filled wall to wall with them and various other marvel paraphernalia. he’s letting me sleep here for a few days considering the condition im in.
the punks beat me up. lisa and i ended up hooking up after she told me that rock and her weren’t exclusive or whatever. so i stayed in her tent for a night. we fucked. she loved ass play. we had all sorts of crazy ass involved sex. she even let me cum inside of her butt (which made me feel like a filthy king). and somewhere in there she ended up putting her tongue inside my ass while she tromboned my cock with her free hand… viola. my first anal orgasm.
cant say i didnt enjoy myself when i was with the punx. most of those guys were allright. it wasnt until the night after me and lisa fucked when things went haywire. apparently lisa got around to rock and his buddy jim the next day. soon after they were wailing in pain as the yellow liquid knives poured out of their newly diseased dicks.
didnt take em long to figure out where the clap had come from. im lucky to be alive. i was in the hospital over night in critical condition. it hurts to move still. several of my bones are broken including my jaw. i have a total of 8 stab wounds, mostly in my groin and kidney area, but also some on my face. the rest of me is black and blue all over and im missing more than a few of my pearly whites. other than that though im dandy.
i guess it wasnt enough for me to have next to nothing. apparently i have not yet learned the lesson im supposed to. now that last remnants of my possesions have been totalled, and my “health’ is hanging on by a thread. im beggining to see more and more what life is about.

living.