Archive for March, 2010

despite all my rage

March 31, 2010

living back indoors is foreign to me now. not that i spent years out on the street or anything, but now that i know what it’s like i cant get used to being all pent-up like i am now. i hear the streets calling my name. “Luke Havergal, Luke Havergal.” they say over and over in a whisper that is the wind.
my mind won’t sit still. my thoughts are of running wild throughout the city and sleeping under the shade of the black night sky. life is about surviving. its not about accumulating stuff. its not about safety and protection. and that is not what im looking for anymore either. ive had my time to be tame. ive been locked in a cage both physically and mentally for my whole life.
now that ive felt the cool air of freedom i cant be complacent to sit inside an air conditioned box surrounded by useless purchased prizes.
ive been smoking ice with uncle bob the last couple of nights and this has only added to my restlessness.
i figure that as long as my legs still work im going to use them to run. no matter how bad the pain is, no matter what might happen to me. i dont care. the only thing that matters is living. and this just aint it. im gunna take a few more puffs off of the bulb before i head out the front door and back out into the world.
see you around.

-Luke Havergal, Luke Havergal

yellow liquid knives

March 25, 2010

im at my uncle bobs house. uncle bob collects marvel figurines. the room im in is filled wall to wall with them and various other marvel paraphernalia. he’s letting me sleep here for a few days considering the condition im in.
the punks beat me up. lisa and i ended up hooking up after she told me that rock and her weren’t exclusive or whatever. so i stayed in her tent for a night. we fucked. she loved ass play. we had all sorts of crazy ass involved sex. she even let me cum inside of her butt (which made me feel like a filthy king). and somewhere in there she ended up putting her tongue inside my ass while she tromboned my cock with her free hand… viola. my first anal orgasm.
cant say i didnt enjoy myself when i was with the punx. most of those guys were allright. it wasnt until the night after me and lisa fucked when things went haywire. apparently lisa got around to rock and his buddy jim the next day. soon after they were wailing in pain as the yellow liquid knives poured out of their newly diseased dicks.
didnt take em long to figure out where the clap had come from. im lucky to be alive. i was in the hospital over night in critical condition. it hurts to move still. several of my bones are broken including my jaw. i have a total of 8 stab wounds, mostly in my groin and kidney area, but also some on my face. the rest of me is black and blue all over and im missing more than a few of my pearly whites. other than that though im dandy.
i guess it wasnt enough for me to have next to nothing. apparently i have not yet learned the lesson im supposed to. now that last remnants of my possesions have been totalled, and my “health’ is hanging on by a thread. im beggining to see more and more what life is about.

living.

jack squat

March 16, 2010

today has been good. after living on/off the streets for a good while now, ive finally met up with some like minded folks. squatter punks! i was at jack in the box gettin some tacos with the coupla dollars i had from begging that morning when i saw this grungy looking young girl come in with her dog. apparently she had the same idea i did (i swear jack in the box is pure street food). the chick had been told to leave her dog outside, so she tied him to a handicapped sign in the parking lot. after i got my food and left i waited by the curb and played with her dog til she came back out. we clicked immediately. she thanked me for keeping an eye on her dog gizmo while she got her order. i told her it wasn’t a problem and  we got to talking while we ate our tacos in the parking lot. we seemed to be leading pretty comparable lifestyles.  she had gotten out of a rehab clinic a few weeks back and had been living on the streets ever since. i told her my sob story and she seemed to get what i was all about and understood where i was coming from. which up until this point i hadnt really had the opportunity to talk to anyone who was in the same situation as me, and not only that but she informed me that their was a big group of squatters she was with and welcomed me to join up with them.

not far from the jack in the box was some sort of undeveloped commercial building site. a few acres or so of uncleared land with tall trees and no fences. i told the chick, lisa, that i had been sleeping in either the all night laundromat or i would just stay up all night and sleep on a bus in the morning. it worked most of the time but it was beginning to become a hassle too. she asked why i hadnt invested in a tent and motioned to the bag she was carrying on her back. the thought never crossed my mind i told her.

the punks actually had a decent set up. the area they had set up camp at was far enough in the wooded area to not be visible from the street and even the noises of the city seemed to be cut off within the small confines. lisa introduced me to the rest of the guys. most of them were younger than me, they were sitting around a fire drinking lone star beer. they tossed me one and i plunked down to join them in their circle. i find out that most of them had either gotten out of rehab or county or had just ran away from their parents. it was cool to just hang out and shoot the shit with them. they all had such great stories, and i told them a few of my own too. i also find out that a few of the guys fancied themselves to be writers like myself. i compare notebooks with this one guy named Rock (literally the name on his drivers licence). he’s really skinny and bald and has several tattoos on his face and a big murder junkies back patch on his jacket. so far he’s the coolest one yet. i kinda pick up that him and lisa have a thing goin on, but it was cool since i hadnt been hitting on her or nuthin (though the thought had crossed my mind).

the suns starting to go down and the warm beers are running low.  the group gathers its cash together to procure a few bottles from the liqour store down the street. rock and lisa are the only ones in the group old enough to purchase it but they tell me that they keep getting shit from the guy at the liquor store, so i offer to go with them and pay for the bottles if they cant. i contribute the few bucks i had left from the morning to the stash and we’re on our way to buy some booze… and maybe make a pit stop at the jack in the box on the way back for some tacos if theres leftover cash.

-Luke Havergal

hot coffee in the hospital

March 10, 2010

havnt been writing much cause i dont have an outlet to plug into. most places i stay at i dont like to bring out my laptop anyways. i tried going back to the library like i had in days past but the guard through me out. apparently some chick told him i was harrasing her. pfff. she caught me staring at her tits while she was bending down grabbing for a copy of Ethan Frome on the bottom shelf. to my own defense though i wasnt being pervy or anything.not any more than usual. i was simply cathing a glimpse as we men like to do from time to time. but she flat out caught me, dead stare. i tried to play it off and charm her with some friendly conversation. “isnt that the one where they kill themselves on a sled.” i ask her in reference to her novel selection. she kinda smiles, gives my appearance a once over then quickly walks away. 5 minutes later im standing outside, the security officer is telling me to go and not come back. next time he’s calling the cops.
of all the indignities ive suffered in the past days this is the worst one. the freedom and joy of living on the streets is beginning to lose its luster for the rude treatment and general disgust im now naturally greeted with. it goes without saying that im accustomed to a different way of life. and in the past i wouldve been banging that big titted book loving bitch, and not left here holding my own dick. my how the mighty have fallen.
im inside a hospital downtown now. i found a fresh pot of coffee in the waiting room on the third floor. theirs a large family of about 9 people sitting in here with me. they talk in low voices and seem upset. a nurse prompts them on their loved ones surgical updates every now and then. the nurse gives me a strange once over, but im pretty sure she assumes im with the family since were all crammed in together. the kids are quiet and are caught up in their video games. their parents keep hogging all the coffee, ive refreshed the pot twice and have only gotten 2 cups out of it without so much as a thanks from them. they look disgusted and im pretty sure theyre saying stuff about me in their low voices. must be my smell.

washateria whores

March 5, 2010

last nights joy was short lived. the cops came hard knocking on my front door a few minutes after i finished up the last post. it totally broke my mood. i nearly shat myself, they were knocking so hard. luckily i was on the toilet at the time, half asleep sipping on my warm colt 45. i didnt have anything to wipe myself with so i just used my hand and smeared the shit on the walls as i hurriedly exited out the back. not the best of ideas though, in my slow motion stupor i ended up cutting the fuck out of my ass wiping hand on the broken glass of the back window. the blood and shit mingled in my lacerated palm and stung like a mother fucker. but on the plus side evading the cops was easy, they stayed knocking on the front door while i hopped the fence to the neighbors backyard. i didnt know where i was going but at least i wasnt going back to jail i thought.

despite my bloody shitty hand i still felt pretty good off of the tussin. i figured i had a couple more hours left of the high, and taking a page from my highschool play book, i doubled my delight by chugging a few beers as i walked down the dark and empty neighborhood streets. boy that did the trick. i felt like some invisible savior as i strutted past the quiet houses. my head could hardly keep itself up and the whole world kept bobbing up and down and side to side.

i wandered the streets for a while, feeling careless and on top of the world, like a child without a bedtime curfew.

i ended up at a 24 hour laundromat. some gangly whorish chick was there finishing up a load when i stumbled in. she was folding her unmentionables in a brash and ostentatious manner, all the while casting taudry looks in my direction. i just smiled at her and returned a blood shot stare. she removed her bra from under her wifebeater and replaced it with another one from her finished load. i got  a good glimpse at her chest while she did this. she then gathered her load to leave. i did my best to shoot her a seductive stare through my glazed eyes as she walked past.

she smiled then stopped to lean down to the bench i was slumped on. “wanna hava good time baby?’ she asked . i looked down at her loose hanging top and had a perfect shot of her small tits pent up in her tiny red bra. definately a-cup i thought. sure i said, and started to get aroused. “do you have 50 bucks baby?” she said seductively. i told her i didnt but that i had some beers and i still wanted to have a good time. she stormed out, and didnt look back.

i was left alone in the laundromat. it was very late and the bright lights started to remind me of the holding cell i was in a few weeks back. i actually only had one beer left of the six pack. i guzzled it down and tossed it in one of the empty machines. i took a quick look around to make sure no ones around then took out my dick and started beating off with my defiled hand.

cough syrup clarity

March 4, 2010

its been too long since ive downed a whole bottle of cough syrup to myself. in fact the last time was prolly sometime back in my senior year. those were the days. the great part was that if i ingested it in the parking lot an hour before school started, it would most likely kick in sometime during first period. and 8 hours of school would go by like a slow motion dream. hey its a cheap trip that can be purchased at the grocery store and it lasts a lot longer than most other things. although it was great when mixed with other things. cans of freon, pot, pills (xan, vic, add, etc…). what a truly magical time. and i mean that. there are many places you can never return to. like your mothers womb, or your old room in the house that burned down. highschool is one of these places. as bad as it was, it had its shiny moments.  if you did go back it wouldnt be the same. your older now. your of another age, the new generation has come in and though their customs and routines are somewhat comparable, the style of the times is unrecognizable to your own.  this makes all the difference.

so im reminiscing here, all alone in my empty empty house. i had to break in through the back window. at first i was just going to grab a few things and go, but the discovery of a fresh unopened bottle of robitussin quickly prompted me to rethink my plans for the evening (especially considering i really have no place to go and no way of getting there). so now im here, a fire by my side and a head full of stars. the bottle was one of the only things left, not only in the bathroom, but the entire place. i used the brown curtains my girlfriend had bought and a broke down barstool to make the fire im now enjoying (as the electricity is shut off). the waters off too but im using the toilet anyways.

so far im having a nice little night. a lot nicer than any other night in recent history. what can i say? quiet introversion and inebriation mix well together.

and im thinking that maybe theres hope after all. what was all that “stuff” for? i have almost nothing now (just this laptop, some notebooks, writing implements, and a warm six pack of colt 45 in my backpack). and maybe it’s the tussin talking but i feel happier than i have in ages. i know its cliche but it feels as if a great weight has been lifted. like im free. and though i have nothing, i now have nothing to hold me down. im free. free to float off into space. both inner and outer. i strongly suggest you try this out for yourselves one day.

this is how jesus and his disciples must of felt. if only they had robitussin back then…

stupid

March 2, 2010

well i guess you all see what has become of al this. a buncha goddamn bullshit. i cant keep up with anything. im too fucking jaded. its been so long since ive put anything in here.
things have been more or less the same. although many things are different. my girlfriend broke up with me. i got arrested and had to check into rehab for 8 weeks. i contracted a venereal disease (never trust a woman whos blouse matches her bra). i lost my apartment due to the rotting smell of dogflesh that began to overwhelm my unoccupied place.
i had no money for a while cuz my wallet was stolen and couldnt use my debit card and was stranded in a strange part of town for a while. actually i know that chick November took it off me before she gave me the clap. my cell phone was dead too and moreover i didnt feel like talking to anyone after what id been through.
i still dont remember much from that last night, but some things have come back to me. for one thing the urine i was covered in when i woke up in the gutter was Novembers. in fact that was voluntary, i was wasted and she said it was the only way for her to get off while she was on her rag. so i let her piss on me in the bath tub. shortly after she mustve had somebody drag me off in to the streets cause thats where i woke up.
it wasnt too long after when i got picked up by a squad car after attempting to take a bus. i stayed in the holding cell all night until i was transfered to county. i got off light at my hearing considering the amount of drugs in my system. 8 weeks in rehab. im out now, i have pretty much nothing left. like i said in previous posts, all my stuff had been stolen and pawned, my dog and girlfriend were both gone, my duplex apt taken away an account that i never took out the trash containing Spunky, and on top of it all it feels like burning knives when i take a piss.
how much longer can i go on i wonder?